Episode 31 - Valerie Jacqueline Ritchie - We're Not Invisible: Rewriting the Rules of Aging.

Hi everyone, welcome to Menopause Chats. I'm your host, Erin Darusca. Today we have Valerie Ritchie of Transformation in Action with us. Valerie, it's so good to see you again. Uh tell us uh a little bit about your journey.

Thank you, Erin. It's great to see you again. Oh, my menopause journey. It's such an interesting one. Tends not to be, well, is any journey straightforward to be honest, but um tends not to be seen as a straightforward journey. So my journey started at the age of 42, and I went to my GP, uh general practitioner, to get my fertility results because I'd recently met uh the man of my dreams, the husband to be, and we both didn't have children, we both weren't thinking of children, and then we thought, why not? You know, so I um knowing that you know I'm 42, I'm very much aware that uh you know, the health of the eggs and so forth. So when I went to the doctors and to get my results, the first thing she said was I was postmenopausal. And my reaction, what yeah, say that again, and it was like literally I stopped and I was just looking at her thinking, did she say postmenopausal? And it was just going in my head, post post, not Perry, not meno, post that means no children. I cannot have children, and I'm sat there and the tears were just you know building, I'm switching off, and then at the same time the doctor said, Um, but you can always adopt or foster, which I thought was quite inappropriate because I'm trying to take in the news that I will never be able to have my children. Um and at the same time I was thinking, well, when did this happen? I mean yeah, 42. Where was all the symptoms, the signs, 42? My expectations was more like 10 years later, yeah, not 10 years, you know, at 42, and it was never something I actually considered. I didn't even think about menopause. I just thought it might be harder to get pregnant. That's all it was, but yeah, that was this that was my start of a menopause journey.

It's a lot. I mean, to be to to go in thinking like, oh, I'm gonna learn about my fertility and like having that excitement and anticipation, and then to literally have like the rug just like pulled out from under you, and then to have a GP who probably you know meant it in a positive way, but didn't realize the impact of their words would actually have in that moment. Like you may have been able to hear that months later after you had time to process, but not like in the actual moment.

Yes, it was it literally was like a slap across the face, a punch in the gut, it took my breath away and it was shock. And she was talking, and I couldn't hear anything else apart from the fact that she she just said to me, I couldn't have children. Yeah, and in my head was it was just pure devastation because in that moment I didn't realize how much I wanted to have a child, yeah, I didn't realize at all. So I left that room with tears just running on my face. Yeah, so gutted. And the main fact is I actually had to get in a car and drive. And I was like, I was surprised I actually got anywhere. Right. You clearly made it. I did, yes, and I actually I actually went to um um my husband to be at that time's workplace and just phoned him up and he was like trying to what's happened, and I couldn't even speak, and he just said, come wait there, and he came down, and he ended up having to, you know, he drove me home, yeah, you know, because I just couldn't believe that this was sort of like I was denied, and then the comparison bit came into my head because I started comparing myself to my siblings who who all have children and and I thought, why me? You know, I'm the other one out, why me? So that was a crazy, crazy moment of it. And because I'd said when I was younger that I didn't want to have children, I automatically assumed I've this that's what I've brought onto myself. Yeah, and it was and I fully accepted what my GP had said, right? Yeah, I didn't go for a second opinion, I fully accepted what she actually said, which in hindsight I should have actually gone for a second opinion. Sure. But you know, I thought GP's right, I'm can't have children, so in my head, switching off can't have children. Yeah, but I hadn't quite been uh menopausal because uh then um a heavy bleeding started to occur, so that just built up and everything that became uncomfortable. But because I'd already said to myself I'm not having children, that was the assumption, and so I made the decision to have a hysterectomy. And obviously that finalized everything anyway.

Yeah, you're like that that's a done deal, like that's uh done and dusted, you're not yeah, so you know, yeah.

So that that was me coming into that moment.

And that pushes you. I mean, you know, having a hysterectomy also pushes you into like a medical, so even if you weren't at that point, yes, you know, post-menopausal, that would have been the the line there as well.

Yes, and then it was almost like, well, what what happens now? Because the word it's like, here, have a HRT patch. Wait. There you go. It's like, what wow?

Well, I'm curious for you, because you're in the UK. What are you all having patch shortages in the UK as well? Or is like in the US, like there's this whole thing I actually switched to a gel because I was sick of calling around every month to get one box. And um, so yeah, I'm curious.

As I don't know if it's a worldwide shortage, yeah, there was a patch shortage because I uh a few years ago I had to change to a different patch because they weren't having these patches, and I I think in Scotland they were really struggling with the patches, yeah. Yeah, and it's like it's just crazy, it's like it's women's health again.

Right.

Why is it always women's health? You know, patches, just sort it all out, right? Yeah, I'm all look at methods or try to do something that will help.

Yeah, yeah. Like I said, I ended up switching to a jail because I was like, well, is this gonna be easier for me to get? And so far, knockwood, uh, it has been easier to get. So uh, but it's just like all right, you know, and different, right? Because like the patch, like for me, it was like two days, just two times a week. Um, and now it's like a daily thing, which I don't have an issue remembering. Um I do have an issue remembering which leg to put it on, but I don't have an issue remembering to do it. It's actually on my like, I have a little to-do list app and it's just in there as something so I won't forget. And then I had to make myself a little note that was like, you know, it had each of the days of the week abbreviated and then left, right, left, right. So I remembered which one to put it on. Cause I honestly, I, you know, a few minutes afterwards can't remember which one.

Oh, I know. I know. It's a similar thing with a patch, it's like just changed butt cheeks.

Yeah. Well, at least with the patch for me, there was always like a residual of adhesive. So I would be like, oh nope, it was on the right cheek.

Yeah.

So um, although I did have some issues for a while, I was doing hot yoga and the patch would come off.

Well, that's the other thing because um being somebody who does a lot of sports, yeah, and you know, and sweating, it was it was just losing that patch, and it was so annoying. It was like another one's gone and you can't see it.

I had a massage, it came off because of the oil.

Yeah, so yeah, that can be very annoying when you you know you lose.

It's like I just put this on.

Yeah, and then it moves and then it loses its stickiness and then it's down.

Yeah. There's also been a time like where uh I was intimate with my husband and he's like, Is this yours? I was like, Yes, that is mine. I will put that back on. Um so they're not foolproof, these patches. They put them off under activity.

Um, and I the worst thing about the patch is well, um, if it gets caught, you know, there's a little bit peeled and it gets caught onto something, that's actually quite painful.

Yeah.

Because it's it's almost like it really. Yeah. It's like, well, whoa, whoa, and it's tight, yeah, and you have to re-jig your underwear just to smooth it out again. Yeah, right. Not easy.

Um, so your experience led you, I think, to creating um offerings for women in their sort of perimenopause year. So tell us a little bit uh about your business, the transformation in action, and your and your work with the crone goddess.

Yeah. So one of the things because because I went through that moment and it made me realize that there's probably loads of women out there that are actually going through menopause and are completely unaware, especially if you're on the pill, yeah, because it masks it, and you're completely unaware that actually this is happening to you while you're just living life and you have no recognition of it. And then there was the aspect from that emotional mental side where you know the expectations of society that you're going to be a mother, and I had to deal with that side that I wasn't going to be a mother. But then I started to do a lot of reflection and um, you know, actually realized that I had a lot going on for me in my life anyway. And I looked at the word mother and sort of readjusted it to motherhood doesn't necessarily mean you have to give birth to a child. And all what I'd been doing followed in that the mother, the role of mother. And I had to sort of embrace that. I've actually been doing all these anyway, you know, backgrounds in education. So I've always had students, I'm I'm an auntie, a great aunt, a godmother. So I've always had children in my life at various stages. So the mothering instinct was always there, it was not removed just because I couldn't actually, you know, have my own. So I had to get on board with that in terms of my mindset. And I did that through a lot of uh uh reflection and deep dive into who I am and recognizing who I am, and then it came up with the crone goddess and the sudden realization what is a crone? You know, and the expectation of a crone is an old, haggard, wise, withered woman. But then I found out about the triple goddess, and the triple goddess rema represented the maiden, the mother, and the crone, and it was basically the three stages of a woman's life. And if we look at it, the third stage would be classed as like the grandmother. The grandmother who's been there, done that, seen everything, wearing a t-shirt, still wearing a t-shirt, you know, um, but is wise with what she's got, and she has stories to share and things to offer. So for me, I was looking at women, midlife women, to say, actually, coming into midlife shouldn't be fearful, it should be something that we embrace and look forward to. It's a journey that we go into. And menopause is a journey that we move through. So I always look at menopause as the initiation to into the next stage of our life where we can then really truly become ourselves. And a lot of the times women might see that as oh, that's being selfish, you know, to put yourself first and so forth. But no, I always talk about being self-ful. You have to be self-ful because if you're a happy uh woman who's living life to the full, have joy and bliss, everybody's going to feel that. There is a natural ripple effect. So if you're looking after yourself, then you will naturally look after others because this is a stage in life where I class it as it's time for me, and where we look at it from you know, self-care, self-love, self-hirst. And if we go with that and we sort of embrace this stage in life, we can do so much more when you know, life isn't over, it's just widening, and we sort of see changes that happen that we might not have seen along the way. And this is part of what I do in terms of my role as a midlife um a midlife empowerment coach. And I help women to basically remember who they are now, so not who they were, and not necessarily who they're going to be, but to who they are right now in this moment and appreciate who they are, basically living in the present, celebrating who they are, and that's what I do. And I do it through movement and the breath and the voice. Because we all have stories to share, and we all we should be, you know, my background's in sports and physical activity, so we all should be moving. And the breath is about you know, really taking breathing life into us. And that's what I do.

Yeah, I love that. And and it's the whole concept too of like you can't pour from an empty cup.

Absolutely.

Right. And and we've a lot of women spend the you know, the mother years, you know, whether you are an actual mother or not, being selfless, right? Giving to others, caring for others, um, and putting their whether it's a job, whether it's children, whether it's a spouse or other family commitments without thinking of their own needs. And what I find in working with women at this at this stage of life is that they're like they don't even know what their needs are anymore.

They don't. They don't. They've they've lost it. And it is about that identity because somewhere along the way they lose themselves. And people always go, Oh, you're going out to find yourself. But literally, people do lose themselves because their roles, the expectations have now been shaped by others, and they we naturally fall into those roles because we've always done that. There's almost like an expectation that we should do that, and then when you come to that uh that chaotic time of midlife where everything is mixing up, it's not just uh uh the menopause, you know, just the aging, the natural aging factor, our bodies change, our tolerance level might change, right? You know, we start to see things with our eyes a little bit more open. So, you know, things are changing all around us, and it's not just the body, it's in the workplace, it could be in your relationships. All these changes seem to be happening all at the same time. So it builds up this big chaotic time that you lose yourself, you can't understand what's going on, and it and it becomes frustrating. What can I do? Who am I? You know, who do I want to be? Right. Because, you know, if you started off in a job many years ago and you were sort of pushed into that role and you just stuck to that job, and it wasn't necessarily something that you wanted to do, you're very good at it, but it wasn't what you wanted to do. Sometimes you come to that stage in life where you think, you know, I've this isn't what I want.

Right. And you're like, well, what do I want? And I don't even know what I like anymore. Exactly. And then that's what I like to help women with is like help them discover like what brought you joy when you were younger, what still brings you joy now, or try different things, right? Like I started two years ago now, off and on, sort of taking tap dance classes. I took them as a child, was not very good, still not very good, but I enjoy it. And it's just about moving in the class that I mean, it's it's not a competitive class, right? It is just for the joy of movement and making clicky sounds with your feet.

Yes, exactly. You know, you go back to those things, you know. And sometimes people find it hard to recognize what they actually love doing. Yeah, and it is like what really truly brings you joy, what makes you smile, what would you love to do on a daily basis?

And not care what other people think about it, right? Yeah. I saw a thing today and I was it made me angry. I almost took a screenshot of it and did a post, and maybe I will later. But it was like an advertisement for like a clothing uh company or maybe like one of those uh kind of clothing box companies, right? It wasn't like something like that. And it was like, you know, what should I wear in midlife? And I'm like, whatever the F you want was my response. I was just like, why do I have to like fit in this box? Literally a box, right, of clothing that, you know, it's like, oh, in midlife I should wear this. It's like, no. I mean, maybe I'll wear a moo moo because that's comfortable. Like I bought my first caftan. And I was like, why haven't I had one of these before? And I was like, I'm fully embracing this caftan. It's like lovely. Um, and I bought it for vacation and it was so and it was it was just so comfortable. But it's like, what yeah, wear whatever you want. Like I bought some shoes that were super sparkly. It's like these bring me joy. I'm gonna wear them. I don't care that I'm in my 50s and I'm wearing these sparkly shoes that maybe you know, society might say, This is really for a teenage girl. I don't care. Exactly. You've got to wear it and you know what? It makes other people happy because they see the sparkles and they're like, Oh, I love your shoes. It's like, thank you, you know. So yeah.

You know, it's the thing is if you're happy, it yeah, it ripples out. So if something's making you happy, it's just gonna naturally ripple out. People are gonna miss that. Oh, they shouldn't be wearing that.

You know, I wear um, I have uh bright, well, my nails are like people can't see them, they're like fluorescent, like yellow-green.

Yeah, yeah. And it's a conversation starter. Yeah, that literally is a conversation starter. People see this and they start a conversation. And uh, I like uh wearing bright pink trainers. And um, I remember I was on my bike cycling, and somebody walked across the road and just pointed, love your trainers as I'm cycling, you know. I'm a woman in my late 50s, you know. So it's like, wear what you like, you know, if you're happy with it, you're happy with it.

Yeah, yeah. It just amazes me. It's like, oh, what should you wear in your midlife? And I'm like, Are you kidding me? Like, why do we need to even have this as a thing? And I'm sure there are there might be women listening who haven't really thought about like, oh yeah, like I guess I can wear whatever I want.

Yeah, absolutely. And do you know the classic one is um where they say um you shouldn't have your hair long when you're older? Well, look at us for those of you who don't know. We both have long hair. Sorry, what's that about? Oh, you should have it cut. No, why? What's that got to do with anything? You know, yeah, people have long hair, people have shorter. Enjoy who you are.

Yeah, instead of like, you know, oh, you should go gray, you shouldn't go gray, do it again, whatever you feel comfortable with. If you want to go natural gray, cool. If you want to continue to color your hair, cool. Like do what makes you happy and comfortable. And you know, I I haven't allowed my hair to go gray because I know it will wash me out with my skin tone. So I was like, I just should just keep doing what I'm doing because it works with my skin tone.

So it's true, you know, and it's funny that because um I remembered my mum. Um, she used to dye her her hair. And once she sort of finally embraced going gray, I mean, she looked fun, she looked fantastic with gray hair. She really did. And often I was like, right, okay, so that's the gray I'm after.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go gray, that's the gray I'm after. And the unfortunate. Yeah. The unfortunate thing with me, I've I have about three gray hairs, and it's very irritating because it's not exactly fashionable. You know, it doesn't there's no style to it. It's like, come on, let's let's get a good slash of gray. Right. Not just three hairs at random that are like wonky and Off to the yes, exactly. It's like, oh my god, that gray eye is just going out there, stick it down. But yes, and I, you know, so to me, if you know, if I have the opportunity to go gray, fully gray. Yeah. Anything like my mum's was, I'll be like, yes, bring it. I'd love a bit of it.

And I love the idea too of like re uh reclaiming the crone, right? And this idea that like to to your earlier point, like when we think of the crone in in sort of in that trifecta, there is like, oh yeah, this withered, you know, elderly, you know, wisen, sure, but like it's it's an image that isn't doesn't feel like me. No, you know, and so uh, you know, so I often call this time the in-between, where it's like, I'm not quite a mother, but I don't, I'm not feeling into my crone area, you know. So it's like sort of this in-between stage of that, but also this idea of like maybe a crone could look like this, right?

Or it does look like this, it does look like it, yes, because that's you know, somebody has said to me, in fact, um somebody recently said to me, Oh, you don't look old enough to be a crone, and I was like, Thank you, thank you, but I am, and I embrace being a crone, yeah, and for me, there wasn't an age number on that, you know, because to me, I'm embracing the full aspects of the crone goddess, yeah, the full aspects of it, and that's and being that guide to those uh younger than us, right?

I've had a couple conversations recently with people 20 years younger than me, and you know, one about sort of body acceptance and finally getting to a point where I'm just like, you know what? I've been I was a size 10 for most of my US size 10 most of my life, and you know, I've been smaller, but I kind of struggled to stay at that smaller size. And I was like, maybe my body is just meant to be that size, and I should just embrace that and buy some bigger pants. Exactly. You know, and I was telling, I you know, I was saying to this woman, I was like, I spent you know my 20s, 30s, 40s in the cycle of dieting. And as soon as I said that to her, she looked at me, she goes, I don't want to spend the next 20 years doing that. And I said, Well, then like imagine that I am your younger or your future self coming to you with this message. Because yeah, I you know, I wish someone would have said that to me 20 years ago. Yeah. What else could I be doing with my life if I didn't spend that energy on dieting?

I love having conversations with young women and in knowing at the end of the conversation, they'll say to me, I'm looking forward to my 40s, I'm looking forward to getting older, because it's about removing the fear, right?

You know, because oh my life is over, everything I know is over.

It's like, no, it's a bit you're on the shelf, you're invisible. Yes, we know those things happen.

Yeah, and I'll tell you, invisibility in some ways kind of nice sometimes.

Yeah, you know, but once you get there, you know, it's on your terms at the end of the day. Yeah, that's that's the important thing. So as long as you're not looking towards your midlife as something like it's beautiful, yeah, yeah. It's it's some people don't get to that age, right? At the end of the day, some people don't get to that age. Yeah, so you know, the strive is yes, get older. We are living longer.

Yeah.

So when we class midlife nowadays, what is midlife?

Yeah, right. I mean, I get that question sometimes too, where someone says, you know, I don't, I'm not, you know, they're maybe in their 40s, they're like, Well, I'm not midlife. I'm like, how old are you living to be? I was like, you are, because again, that people don't always identify with that term. You know, so sometimes I talk specifically about like women in their 30s and 40s or women in their like from 35 plus or 40 plus, so that you know, it's like, oh, I can identify because I'm that age versus like the word midlife. Sometimes people don't really still think of like the US TV show The Golden Girls, right? Where you know they were, I mean, frankly, I think they were in their 40s at that time. Um, but you know, so people think of like that versus you know, like what it actually is. And so I'm so glad that there's more women who are visible and saying, like, no, I'm in midlife, or I mean, because quite frankly, I guess I'm not in midlife anymore, because if we mathematically, I'm not, unless I'm living to 102, which I doubt, but you know, you never know. But still, probably mathematically not there, so it's just interesting when people don't identify for me when they don't identify with that term, yeah.

And then it's like, well, what age are you seeing yourself as old? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like that marker moves every year for me. Like, you know, even talking to my parents, you know, my my mom's 78, my dad's 80, and my dad was saying, you know, like he doesn't feel 80, you know, and it's like, yeah, like it, you know, because at some point it was just like, how did I get a daughter that's 51? You know, and it's like, yeah, I I don't know, like all of a sudden, and I don't feel 51. And, you know, so it's it's interesting to me to like go back and go, oh yeah, like this is how old I am. But the invisibility thing, it's so funny. I recently traveled to Canada and going through customs, the guy in front of me got grilled. Like, you know, what are you here for? What do you do for a living? Always he looks at me and he goes, Go ahead. And I said my husband, and I was like, midlife lady win. He's like, Nope. I also, you know, I had on a shirt that was like, you know, be the love in the world and a smiley face bag. And he's probably like, oh, you're an honorary Canadian, like walk right in. Yeah, but yeah, I thought it was so funny. I was like, oh, apparently, you know, no questions for the midlife lady.

Yeah, yeah, there are definitely bonuses.

Yeah. Yeah.

You go out, they don't expect you to be trouble or anything like that. Yeah, you know, but if you're out with your girls and you haven't a few wines, you might be trouble, but we don't expect it, you know, or it's just it's just one of those stages in life that we know we should embrace. Yeah, I agree. You know, we just it's just a stage to be cherished and embraced and and a great opportunity to actually be yourself again. Yeah, you know, yeah, without uh, you know, the roles, expectations from others. It's actually an opportunity to say, you know what, this is me.

Yes.

And you know, I accept me.

And from if you don't accept me, that'd be cool, but yeah, exactly.

It's like, well, fair enough, but this is me, and this this is how I'm going to be, and I love it.

Yeah.

And that's what we want to get to that stage where you can actually look in the mirror and say, you know what, I I love the person I see in front of me. And I appreciate the person I see in front of me.

I love that. Uh anything else you want to share before we wrap up today?

So I one of the things is what literally what I said, you know, if you can stand in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes and say that you love the person that you see in front of you, I think that should be a go for it. A go for it. Because I do know when I do a mirror exercise with a lot of women I work with, they struggle to look into their own eyes and actually see themselves. And this can be hard. And when I say look into your own eyes, I don't mean looking around the eyes and everywhere else, but actually look deep into your own eyes and see yourself and then appreciate who you are. That's what I would say that we should do.

So everyone, if you're listening, go do that right now. Not if you're driving. When you get on, get in front of a mirror and do this. Valerie, if people wanted to learn more about you and how to work with you, how do they find you?

The easiest one would be uh LinkedIn, because I'm on LinkedIn, so it's Valerie Jacqueline Richie on LinkedIn. Or they can um go to my website that's transformation inaction.co.uk and uh you know connect with me. Yeah, reach out, let's have a call, have a conversation. Yeah, that's great to know.

Yes, yes, uh, yes. And that's always a fun conversation. So well, thank you everyone for listening. Uh please feel uh free to subscribe and help spread the word about menopause chats. Um, thank you again, Valerie, for being here. And uh until next time.