Heidi is a Certified Grief Educator, International Best-Selling Co-Author, and International Speaker. She has spoken at Harvard University, and Oxford University with a passion for changing the narrative on grief so we don’t lose the legacies of those we have lost. She educates people about grief, and how to support others who are grieving, as she learned firsthand after losing her husband unexpectedly in 2018. Her experience with friends and loved ones saying the wrong thing or completely disappearing gave her first-hand knowledge that many people have never learned how to grieve, which often leaves grievers to grieve in isolation, and it means we stop talking about those we have lost. Heidi is helping people to feel equipped to lean in and support their loved ones so we can grieve with grace together.
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[00:00:00] Hey guys, Corey Poirier here. Welcome to BluTalks and I hope you enjoy this video.
[00:00:31] Imagine if the day Robin Williams died, every movie he ever made disappeared. That would mean no goodwill hunting, no Mrs. Doubtfire, no Aladdin, which would mean we'd lose out on those lessons, that laughter, and that magic. Now this doesn't make sense to me because that's not how impact works. Yes, Robin Williams died, but we still get to watch those movies,
[00:00:56] we still hold on to those memories, and he still has an impact on us. The same would be true with Whitney Houston. What would happen if her music was silenced forever the day she died? That would mean we'd never get I Will Always Love You again. We wouldn't get those soundtracks at weddings or that voice that just stops us in our tracks. Her music and her memories get to carry on. And this got me thinking, shouldn't that be for the people that we've lost too?
[00:01:27] Yet because we haven't been taught how to support people who are grieving, it often means that their memories and their love for their people get silenced. I find that so tragic. We all have people that we've lost and we're going to continue to lose people. And yet when we talk about them and try to remember them, it can be met with judgment or silence. I experienced this when I lost my husband in 2018 unexpectedly. Mike passed away unexpectedly and it
[00:01:57] was a deep loss for me. It wasn't the grief that surprised me because that was hard enough. It was that deafening silence that I got from my friends and family. Now they would either fill it with a platitude like, Heidi, you're young. You'll find love again. Or they wouldn't know what to say and it would get awkward and we'd talk about NFL football. Or they just avoided the conversation. They didn't do it because they didn't care.
[00:02:23] They did it because they were afraid. They were afraid they were going to say the wrong thing. Or they were so afraid that they were going to make me sad. But I was already sad. My heart was broken. And more than anything, I wanted to hear Mike's name. I wanted people to remember him. And for goodness sakes, I wanted to know how they remembered him.
[00:02:47] Now a few years after Mike passed, I was on a flight and I sat beside a gentleman named Roger. Roger and I struck up a conversation and it wasn't usual in the sense that we didn't talk about the weather. We talked about our lives and our experiences and things that had shaped us. And what struck me about Roger was how present he was. He asked thoughtful questions and he listened.
[00:03:13] Like he truly listened in a way that made it so you felt like what you said mattered. And eventually the conversation did turn to Mike. And he asked questions about Mike. Not how he died. He asked about Mike. Not out of curiosity, but out of genuine interest. He wanted to learn about him. And I got to tell him stories about Mike. I got to tell him how Mike was a firefighter.
[00:03:42] And when he was at 7-11, he would buy snacks and coffee for other first responders. And when I asked him why, he said, because I always wanted them to feel like they'd been seen. Not just when the lights and sirens pulled up to a call. He would stop on the street and stop a fellow first responder and say, thank you for doing what you do with a big smile and a strong handshake. Mike. Because he wanted them to know that they mattered.
[00:04:11] Mike had a gift of making people feel seen. It didn't matter if it was a friend or a stranger or a first responder. He saw you and he always wanted you to know that you mattered. Now, if you were lucky enough to get one of Mike's hugs, you know that these hugs made time stand still. He always knew when to hold you a little longer. Even if you weren't a hugger, his arms always felt safe.
[00:04:38] And if your heart was broken, his hug would put you back together again. I miss those hugs. One of my favorite stories that I got to share with Roger was when Mike and I would get together with friends. Now, all of us adults would be standing around talking about adulting and trying to solve the world's problems. And I could look across the room almost every single time. And there would be Mike playing with all the kids.
[00:05:07] It would not surprise me to see a napkin on his head or a spoon hanging off his nose. They'd be playing some ridiculous game that nobody else could join because nobody would know the rules to it. And there would always be a child laughing so hard they could barely catch their breath. It didn't matter whose child it was. Mike was able to meet them at where they were at because he is such a big kid.
[00:05:32] And somehow, while the kids were out having fun with Mike, us adults would always be reminded to stop taking ourselves so seriously, to have fun. Mike reminded people to laugh. He reminded children that they mattered. And he reminded us adults to remember the child that we once were. Now, as I shared these stories with Roger, a few tears would slide down my cheeks. Not because I was broken.
[00:06:01] Not because I needed to be fixed. But because grief and love often occupy the same space. Because grief is love. Now, Roger was gracious. He didn't rush to change the subject or tell me to stop crying because he'd cry too. He simply just listened. And he leaned into the grief. And in doing so, he got to experience Mike.
[00:06:31] And at the end of our flight, Roger looked at me and said, Heidi, I wish I met your Mike. He sounds like an amazing man. I remember sitting there smiling and thinking, that is the best compliment I have ever received. What started as a conversation between two strangers on a plane became a friendship. Roger and his wife Peggy are still dear friends of mine.
[00:07:02] And it never amazes me how much that conversation still fills my heart. And Roger and Peggy get to carry the torch of Mike's legacy. Now, Roger didn't learn how Mike died. He got to learn how Mike lived. And because he was willing to ask, Mike's story gets to continue. And that's when I realized something. And stories don't preserve memories. They preserve our people.
[00:07:30] And I want more people to receive that compliment that I received from Roger that day. And I want more people to feel confident enough to give that compliment. I want people to say, I wish I met your Mike. I wish I met your person. It shows that you get to get a glimpse of somebody. And you get to remember the person that they love and miss and cherish.
[00:07:55] Now, for years, I've had the honor of being able to serve so many people to take the Blue Talk stage. I've helped speakers around the world share their stories on stages like this one at Harvard. And many times, people come on this stage and they think that their story might be too vulnerable. Too painful. Some of you even think that it might be too ordinary. But what fascinates me is that you're not just sharing your story.
[00:08:25] Because so much more happens when you stand here. Your story gets to be part of somebody else's story. And that's where the magic happens. When somebody hears that story and they can relate, it can shift the perspective and change their life forever. Not because somebody stood here on stage. Not because somebody was brave enough to share their truth. Now, this got me thinking. How do we measure a life?
[00:08:55] Because society teaches us it's through titles and accomplishments. Recognition and even income. But I don't think that's how life's measured. I think life is measured by what continues because we were here. Every year I start the year with a word. And this year the word was impact. Impact. Not intentional or success or achievement.
[00:09:24] Impact. Not because I want more of it. But because I needed to pay more attention to it. Because what I'm starting to realize is that the most impact goes unnoticed by the person who is creating it. Mike never knew that years later I'd be standing here telling stories about him. He never knew that children would remember how much laughter he brought to them or our epic water fights.
[00:09:55] Roger never knew that that compliment on that plane that day would be the backbone of the talk that you're hearing today. Most people don't realize that the sentence they speak today can become a belief that somebody carries for the rest of their lives. It can be a significant change. Many people don't realize their legacy is being built right now. Not someday. Today.
[00:10:23] And I think that's why we're asking the wrong questions when someone dies. I can't tell you how many people have asked me the cause of death. Like Mike's The Day Mike Died is some TV crime show. And that question might satisfy their curiosity. But it cannot preserve somebody's legacy. And so what happens if we asked a different question? What if we asked how did they live?
[00:10:53] What made them laugh? What mattered to them? What did they teach you? What did they teach you? And what do you still carry because they were here? Because I've learned we can spend a few moments talking about the day they left this plane. Or we can spend a lifetime carrying on the impact that they've had on us.
[00:11:16] And I think the people that we love and have lost deserve to be remembered more for the days that they lived rather than the day that they died. They deserve to be cherished for how they lived. They deserve to be cherished for how they lived. And in a moment I'm going to ask you to use it.
[00:11:43] But first, please close your eyes. So as the lights begin to dim, I'd like you to take a deep breath. And another. I want you to think about somebody. Someone who has changed your life. Someone whose voice you can still hear.
[00:12:09] Someone whose impact is still showing up for you. Think about them. Can you see their face? Think about how they lived. What made them laugh? What mattered to them?
[00:12:38] What did they teach you? What part of them still lives inside you? Does their kindness still influence how you treat people? Does their courage still show up when you make difficult decisions? Does their wisdom still guide you?
[00:13:08] If so, their impact has been made. You are carrying on their legacy. Carrying on their life. So as you slowly open your eyes. If someone came to mind. Please light your candle.
[00:13:37] Please share their light with us. See the lights starting to shine. One. And another. And another. Look around the room. This room. There's lights everywhere. And they represent somebody who mattered. Someone who taught us. Someone who loved us. Someone whose impact still continues.
[00:14:09] And something remarkable happens when we share their story with others. Someone new gets to know them. That's what happened with Mike. Roger didn't get to meet him. He got to experience him. And a torch got lit that day. A man who never met Mike existed. Looked at me and said, I wish I'd met your Mike. He sounds like an amazing man.
[00:14:38] A torch was passed that day. And today, that torch shines brighter. Because I passed that torch to all of you. Look around this room. It's way brighter than it used to be. Not because Mike came back. But because his story gets to move forward. That's impact. That's legacy.
[00:15:10] That's what happens when we stop asking how somebody died. And start asking how they lived. Thank you.
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